Somewhere along the way, I think I missed the point of it all.
Maybe it was when I was a child, and I thought that God would be impressed with me if I woke up before sunrise to pray.
Maybe it was when I was 16, and I thought that memorizing all of Psalm 119 – the longest chapter in the Bible – would make me a better Christian.
Maybe it was when I was 18, and I thought that spending all my time doing ministry work would please God.
Maybe it was when I was 20, and I thought that I had to read the Bible before breakfast in order to secure God’s grace for the day.
Maybe it was when I was 22, and every time I stopped to pray all I could say was:
“Dear God, am I good enough for you yet?”
Oh, but I have all the right answers.
I can tell you how “spending time with Jesus” is supposed to be a response to love, not an attempt to earn love.
I can tell you how I don’t have to be good enough for God, because when God looks at me God sees the goodness of Jesus or whatever.
I can tell you how God’s love and grace are gifts freely given.
And yet,
I cringe every time I hear the words “spiritual disciplines”
or “devotions”
or “do hard things”
or “don’t waste your life”.
Because no matter the good intentions and good practices behind all those words, all I can hear is:
“Try a little harder. Then God will be pleased with you.”
Because I can’t figure out how to divorce activity from performance, and performance from earning love.
I’ve found myself giving up on it all –
the never-ending hustle of religious activity,
the “five things Christians should be doing”
and the “ten ways to not waste your summer”.
Because when I was forcing myself to pray, the only prayer on my lips was:
“Dear God, am I good enough for you yet?”
Perhaps giving up is the only way to find out.
[ image: flickr/oc ]